It's a sad, but familiar story

It's a sad, but familiar story.  Here I am....I got weary and gave up....

It's September 5, 2012, and I left my healthy way of eating in the dust, and picked up cheeseburgers, tater tots, pizza, and other junky fare...to the tune of gaining 12 pounds. :(

TODAY: **2 lbs.  Really.

So......I truly do want to embrace this for a lifetime.  I feel horrible!  Swollen, achy, dizzy, headachy, tired, cranky, sleepy, tired, exhausted, sluggish, bloated, sore.

Lord, I cannot do it.  I can't do it.  You can do it for me and through me, but I admit:  I cannot do it.  I CAN do all things THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.  Please strengthen me!  I admit my weakness and plead upon your mercy yet again...

From this day forward, I wish for my goal to be down significantly by my 40th birthday.  Is that goal reasonable?  I hope so!!!  It's a BIG BOLD goal.  I desperately desire to succeed...we'll see what happens!

E2L......end of week 3

Well, it is getting a bit easier with time, and in general, I have more energy and fewer stomach issues.  I'm not going to say I am gluten intolerant or anything, but I definitely feel better not eating bread...too bad I still miss the taste!  At least I'm thankful for Bountiful Baskets and the veggies & fruits aplenty!

This mornings stats:

Weight: [-8 lbs.]
Waist:   [same]


Highest weight (on home scale):     [-34 pounds]
Highest waist measurement:            [-5 inches]

E2L -- somewhere in week 2

Okay, I can't keep track of what day it actually is on the "plan" right now, and I just realized that it doesn't really matter, since this is supposed to be my new way of life!  I've altered the actual EAT TO LIVE diet, to extend a little more grace in the goal of actually living this way the rest of my life, but I got on the scale to check it out, and today (Tuesday), I weighed **4.  That's up 2 pounds from Friday, so maybe my idea is not such a great plan....

My recent thoughts had been:
MOST BENEFICIAL
Lots of:
   Fruits
   Veggies
   Nuts
   Seeds
   Beans
LESS BENEFICIAL
Limited:
   meat
   dairy
   potatoes
   rice
   flour
   sugar

If I say "no flour" and "no sugar," etc. then I end up feeling guilty if I have a little.  In the New Testament, God revealed to Peter than there were no longer forbidden foods--that all foods are clean, so I don't want to be like the Pharisees and create a law on top of God's that would declare some foods unclean that He hasn't.  HOWEVER, in an effort to honor God in my body I want to remember that all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial!  Here are some verses rolling around in my heart:

I CORINTHAINS 6:12-13; 19-20, NLT

¹² You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ¹³ You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. ¹⁴ And God will raise us from the dead by his power, just as he raised our Lord from the dead.

¹⁹ Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, ²⁰ for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

^{I CORINTHIANS 10:23-33, NLT}

²³ You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. ²⁴ Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.

²⁵ So you may eat any meat that is sold in the marketplace without raising questions of conscience. ²⁶ For “the earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”

²⁷ If someone who isn’t a believer asks you home for dinner, accept the invitation if you want to. Eat whatever is offered to you without raising questions of conscience. ²⁸ (But suppose someone tells you, “This meat was offered to an idol.” Don’t eat it, out of consideration for the conscience of the one who told you. ²⁹ It might not be a matter of conscience for you, but it is for the other person.) For why should my freedom be limited by what someone else thinks? ³⁰ If I can thank God for the food and enjoy it, why should I be condemned for eating it?

³¹ So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. ³² Don’t give offense to Jews or Gentiles or the church of God. ³³ I, too, try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what is best for me; I do what is best for others so that many may be saved.

HEBREWS 12:1, 2, NLT

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

MAKE A FRESH START IN 10 EASY STEPS

1. Learn about The Four Pillars of healthy eating.
2. Start lunch and dinner with a big colorful salad.
3. Choose whole grains over refined.
4. Get healthy fats from whole foods — like nuts, seeds and avocados — rather than refined oils.
5. Reconfigure your plate so the majority of each meal is focused on vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, grains and legumes.
6. When choosing lean meats and seafood, as well as low-fat dairy products — begin to eat smaller portions.
7. Stock a healthier pantry.
8. Avoid processed and refined sweeteners and choose fresh, frozen and dried fruits to sweeten your dishes.
9. Avoid eating highly processed, refined foods.
10. Familiarize yourself with Cooking Methods for Healthy Eating

E2L - End of first week report

Checking in...it's been a little difficult, but not as difficult as in the past, although I know PMS week is coming, and I'm already feeling the chocolate/carb cravings rear their ugly head!

Weight:    [-6 lbs.]
Waist:       [-1 in.]
BP:  106/77
BG:  77

Highest weight (on home scale):    [-32 pounds]
Highest waist measurement:           [-5 inches]

E2L - Day 7

Thursday, July 5, 2012 - Day 5

Well, I survived my first holiday trying to eat healthier.  I struggled...but not overwhelmingly so.  I fudged...but not horribly so.  AND--since, for the first time in my life so far, I'm trying to think of this as the "Healthy Way To Eat" and how God designed our bodies to eat, I didn't struggle with the same overwhelming, shaming guilt as much.  THAT is my favorite part!  It was kind of my "Independence Day," too, I guess...freedom from the tyranny of shame and guilt...or at least the beginning.  I allowed myself some meat, potatoes, chips, and even a few bites of dessert:  1/2  cookie; 1 bite of cake; 1 Tbsp of choc./raspberry dessert.  I also ate a big bowl of salad.  I didn't talk about it too much (though more than I should have); I didn't worry about it too much (though more than I want to); and I didn't regret it too much (though I still need to work on that...); and I didn't go too hog-wild (as Grandma would say).  Improvement!

Here's my recent weight history (in the last few years):
2007--had gestational diabetes while pregnant with Baby #4;  was very faithful about eating healthily, walking, etc.  After giving birth to her, I weighed less than I did when I got pregnant.
2008--continued walking, eating healthier, and just before Disneyland in March, I was down to a size 18/20, and weighed **4.  I remember it well.  Had more energy and felt better.
During our trip to Disneyland, I was beyond exhausted w/ a sore throat.  Came home to find out that I had strep and mono.  Exhaustion ruled my life, and I went to the couch and the refer for "energy" and rest.  The weight began to climb.
2009--Weight continued to climb.  My hormones weren't balanced; life was hard; I was exhausted a lot; not much else; discovered my neuro. health problem, too.
2010--I reached my peak lifetime weight of **7.  Depressed, hopeless...joined the gym on a 16 week makeover plan.  Lost 30+ pounds and several inches.  Was so proud of myself, but when the 16 "required weeks" to go to the gym was over, I phased out.  I kept watching my food, but stopped exercising with faithfulness.
2011--During the summer, my weight got as low as **4 (and I think as low as **0 for a day), but I didn't continue exercising and so I came to a stand-still.  I had a heart episode caused by low potassium in November (right after Thanksgiving), and then struggled with dizziness & chest pain when exercising after that.  
2012--I fluctuated up and down 10 pounds from week to week, and in April I was still **4.  We went to a Christian couple's retreat & I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted while we were on our weekend.  Came home and was up10 pounds...again!  I was deeply discouraged, and after that, I gave in to temptation bit by bit, and when I went to the doctor last week on June 28, my weight in her office was even higher. L   (Sigh).  There was no denying it, or pretending it was water retention weight.

Praying, praying, praying...

Here is 2012--JULY 5, 2012. 
I've had a million "new beginnings" before.  Lord, please help me...please help this last this time.  I don't just WANT it…I NEED IT!

E2L - Day 4

Monday, July 2, 2012 - Day 4

Oooookay...this is really hard without proper groceries...and I'm feeling guilty feeding my family "garbage" while I am trying to eat healthy...it feels like I'm hoarding HEALTH and LIFE.   I can't do this like this.  We'll all do the best we can together until payday, then everyone is eating the right way...it's the only kind and loving way to feed my precious family!

I struggled on the weekend with food choices, and especially the family get-together (which I knew would be the hardest)....what to do...I need to pray and think on that.

Today is much easier--not as much temptation with hubby at work and not being with "La Famiglia"...

Eat to Live, or Daniel's Diet, or whatever....Day 1

Friday, June 29, 2012 - Day 1
To begin with, it's going to be a little difficult because I don't have many groceries remaining that will fit the plan, and we still have a week to go until payday, and not much moolah left.  I'll do the best I can.

This morning's measurements:
weight: **8
waist:  *0

Symptoms:  knees in pain, tired, sluggish, foggy brain, swollen, tired...all the time, tired
Those are the measurements I'm most concerned with for now.  I may add more later.

Eating to Live, NOT Living to Eat...

 You know what most of my thoughts, conversations, computer searches, worries, fears, self-hatred, etc. are about?  Food.  I just realized that even if my goal is to lose weight, I'm still living to eat--I'm consumed with eating...what I "can" and "can't" eat; shame over what I did eat; longing over what I want to eat; saying, "I don't care" and eating it anyway; guilt over the fact that I did....and it doesn't stop there!  It plagues my sleep at night...almost every night!  I have very fitful sleep--I wake up to go to the bathroom, and ask God to forgive me for being overweight.  I go back to bed and beg God for help to lose it.  I pray and wrestle with it until I fall asleep again.  I wake up to go to the bathroom--asks God's forgiveness again--go to bed disgusted with myself; pray in desperation...fall asleep again.  I can't believe the bondage--the hold this has over me.  Lord, set me free!  Please deliver my heart, mind, and body from the grip of this, I pray in Jesus' Name--the Name above all names!!!  Lord, I confess that I have made food, my weight, and everything related to that an idol in my life.  Please forgive me of my idolatry--I REPENT and ask for Your cleansing and healing in this area for the rest of my life!  Thank you for your forgiveness and I commit my life to you--I surrender all...TRULY!

Last night, while the girls were at VBS, Casey & I went on a date to Hastings and enjoyed a large mocha frappe...and then we decided to look at books.  I happened upon a book called "Eat to Live" which, in essence, reminds me of what Daniel and his friends ate while in the King's captivity.  I had a dream about that recently, and also had a visit from Eleanor spoke to me about eating that way...now I have a lot to think/pray about.  Lord, please show me your way!

Lord, please teach me your way, and help me to just eat to live, not live to eat ever again!!!  In Jesus' Name, Amen!

^{~PHILIPPIANS 4:6-11~}

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

⁷ It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. ⁸ God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

⁹ And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, ¹⁰ so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, ¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

Dang McDonald's

Well, I was going to call this post "Day 1 in the pursuit of Healthy Me"...I'm tired of looking back and thinking:  Didn't I just do this last year...and the year before...and the decade before...and in 1988...?  But, alas, I still haven't become my ideal weight, nor have I become the healthy me that I'm supposed to be.  I started out with good intentions...ate a healthy breakfast of eggs and fruit, and then took the kids to the park for a picnic lunch.  I didn't pack one for me, thinking I'd be okay for a few hours, but by the time we ran an errand or two after lunch, I was starving, so I went to McDonald's for a chicken sandwich.  Okay, I bought 2, but didn't intend on eating the buns.  However, once I opened the crinkly paper, I devoured one sandwich in my ravenous hunger before I even knew what happened.

Once I was finished, I noticed how many calories are in that sandwich (thank you, McD's), and then I just ate the chicken out of the 2nd sandwich.  It all went downhill from there, pretty much.  After that, I had to finish B's ice cream cone because she was full & I didn't want it to melt....thus begins the justification of eating in a way that is not good for me...permissible?  yes.  Beneficial? NO!  Hamster wheel...back to business again tomorrow!
 

He's Doing a New Thing!

Okay, here's a beautiful reason for eating healthier.  Look at all the colors & amazing flavors!  "Eating a rainbow" really is delicious...the only thing it also is, is time-consuming to wash & prepare all the veggies, but you know what?  It's so worth it once it's done!  I hate that I have kept falling into laziness over this.  Lord, please help me to eat healthier, feed my family healthier, and do a better job in all that  You have entrusted me with!!!

“But forget all that—
    it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
¹⁹ For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. ~Isaiah 43:18-19


God wrote these verses for me...yes, also for Israel, but I need to forget the past--that means even this afternoon (and all the muffins, etc.) that I ate.  "Forget it..."  He is doing a new thing!  Don't I see it?  He's already begun...Lord, please make a pathway through my wilderness and create rivers in my dry wasteland!  I love you & I need you!  Desperately!

When is Enough, Enough?!

 I have been diligent again lately about eating no flour, sugar, rice, or potatoes...and soup and salad every night for dinner last week--and then I gained 2 pounds.  So this week, I just ate whatever I wanted because you know what?  Sometimes I just get tired of running this hamster wheel.  Maybe someday I'll try the HCG drops or get bariatric surgery, but until then it's just me and my hamster wheel.  I wonder what day will be the REAL day when I say, "enough is enough!"?  I hope it's sooner rather than later because I can deal w/ gaining 2 pounds...just not 20!

Keepin' it real, huh?

I can't even talk about this journey without getting choked up. That's the truth. No one even reads this but me, but I'm still trembling as I write all this. I don't know...maybe it's because I'm thinking about how many Y-E-A-R-S I have been struggling with my weight. My earliest memory of fear and discouragement about it dates back to 1988. Eighth Grade graduation. Pink formal. Called my "pink piggie" dress.  I'll never forget the journal entry or the weight--180 lbs. Age: 14. Sad, ugly, misfit...that's how I felt then....and now--at least most of the time. Just throw in some rebellious confidence, guilt, fear, and shame, and we're good to go. Mix it all up, add four babies born, 130 more pounds (give or take--yes, I gained a whole other person on my poor body frame & system), high blood pressure, diabetes, varicose veins, painful joints, a neurological condition, hormone problems, pituitary tumors, and a few other health conditions, and nearly 25 years and voile`~ you have ME.

Thankfully, that's not the end of my story yet.  Everyday above ground is a good day--a new day to make better choices!  Lord, give me strength....I am WEARY for fighting this battle!

Bring Your Sorrows and Sins

Bring Your Sorrows and Sins

Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.

Psalms 25:18

It is good for us when prayers about our sorrows are linked with pleas concerning our sins—when, being under God's hand, we do not focus exclusively on our pain, but remember our sins against God. It is also good to take both sorrow and sin to the same place. It was to God that David carried his sorrow: It was to God that David confessed his sin.

Notice, then, we must take our sorrows to God. Even your little sorrows you may cast upon God, for He counts the hairs of your head; and your great sorrows you may commit to Him, for He holds the ocean in the hollow of His hand. Go to Him, whatever your present trouble may be, and you will find Him able and willing to relieve you. But we must take our sins to God too. We must carry them to the cross, that the blood may fall upon them, to purge away their guilt and to destroy their defiling power.

The special lesson of the text is this: we are to go to the Lord with sorrows and with sins in the right spirit. Note that all David asks concerning his sorrow is, "Consider my affliction and my trouble"; but the next petition is vastly more explicit, definite, decided, plain—"Forgive all my sins."

Many sufferers would have reversed it: "Remove my affliction and my pain, and consider my sins." But David does not; he cries, "Lord, when it comes to my affliction and my pain, I will not dictate to Your wisdom. Lord, look at them—I will leave them to You. I would like to have my pain removed, but do as You will. But as for my sins, Lord, I know what needs to happen—I must have them forgiven; I cannot endure to live under their curse for a moment."

A Christian counts sorrow lighter in the scale than sin; he can bear to have troubles continue, but he cannot bear the burden of his transgressions.

(From Morning and Evening by C. H. Spurgeon)

Proverbs 3 ~ perfect daily words to live by!

Proverbs 3
New Living Translation (NLT)
Trusting in the Lord

1 My child, never forget the things I have taught you.
Store my commands in your heart.
2 If you do this, you will live many years,
and your life will be satisfying.
3 Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!
Tie them around your neck as a reminder.
Write them deep within your heart.
4 Then you will find favor with both God and people,
and you will earn a good reputation.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
7 Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
8 Then you will have healing for your body
and strength for your bones.
9 Honor the Lord with your wealth
and with the best part of everything you produce.
10 Then he will fill your barns with grain,
and your vats will overflow with good wine.
11 My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
12 For the Lord corrects those he loves,
just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
13 Joyful is the person who finds wisdom,
the one who gains understanding.
14 For wisdom is more profitable than silver,
and her wages are better than gold.
15 Wisdom is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 She offers you long life in her right hand,
and riches and honor in her left.
17 She will guide you down delightful paths;
all her ways are satisfying.
18 Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
happy are those who hold her tightly.
19 By wisdom the Lord founded the earth;
by understanding he created the heavens.
20 By his knowledge the deep fountains of the earth burst forth,
and the dew settles beneath the night sky.
21 My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment.
Hang on to them,
22 for they will refresh your soul.
They are like jewels on a necklace.
23 They keep you safe on your way,
and your feet will not stumble.
24 You can go to bed without fear;
you will lie down and sleep soundly.
25 You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
26 for the Lord is your security.
He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.
27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it’s in your power to help them.
28 If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say,
“Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.”
29 Don’t plot harm against your neighbor,
for those who live nearby trust you.
30 Don’t pick a fight without reason,
when no one has done you harm.
31 Don’t envy violent people
or copy their ways.
32 Such wicked people are detestable to the Lord,
but he offers his friendship to the godly.
33 The Lord curses the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the home of the upright.
34 The Lord mocks the mockers
but is gracious to the humble.
35 The wise inherit honor,
but fools are put to shame!

Happy Spring 2012

Happy Spring & Easter! It has been such a busy month--the weather, sickness, church activities, Bible study, school, 4H, etc. have all kept us hopping. We’ve had warm weather, snow, rain all in repeated cycles. The other day, we had snow on the daffodills, even.

The girls have been sick with a yucky virus for a couple weeks, but other than the lingering cough, they seem to be on the mend at last! Casey has had it, too, but not as badly. We decided to just observe Spring Break during the girls’ sick weeks, so that gave them plenty of rest and “down time.”

Katie, Anna, and Gracie all participated in the region’s “Awana Games,” where delegate students are chosen from several of the local churches’ Awana Clubs, and the compete against each other in different relay and team games. They all did well. Our church placed 2nd, and Katie (who also helped on another team that didn’t have enough teammates) placed 3rd with that team, so she came home with 2 ribbons.

Everyone is still in our study on Paul and the acts of the apostles, though we’ve all missed the last couple weeks due to sickness. We’re looking forward to getting back to it next week when (Lord willing) everyone is well again.

4H is new to us this year and keeping us busy…Katie is doing baking, and so far has done her lesson on biscuits. Her next lesson is muffins, so she’s looking forward to baking more on her own. Her county fair entry will be either biscuits, muffins, or quickbreads, and she hasn’t decided which to enter yet. Gracie & Anna are doing sewing, and we took a field trip recently to the fabric store, so they could learn about patterns, fabric, etc., and they each chose their project that they’ll sew and present at the county fair. Anna is making a pair of shorts, and Gracie is making a skirt. Everyone is so excited!

This Easter we enjoyed a most lovely Resurrection Sunday with everyone here at our house! It was filled with laughter, fun, sunshine, good weather, good food, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, lots of cousins playing happily, men relaxing and watching TV, and women visiting and enjoying the outdoors with the kiddos. Everyone was in their "Happy Place," I guess you could say...