Dear Someone

Dear Someone,
I am weary and worn. It's hard to describe it in words...I have multiple layers of myself.  There's the ME that I can be in front of my kids...and the deeper ME in front of my husband...which is a different ME than I can be in front of my sisters...or my parents...or my friends...or my facebook peeps...

Then there's the ME that I am when I pray and do my Bible study...and then...THEN...there's the REAL DEEP DOWN ME that no one--NO ONE--sees but God.  It's a secret society thing, because I know He sees...and He knows that I know...and we don't talk about it.  Or at least I don't.  I have trouble revealing myself to Him, but I know He knows me anyway, despite my best attempts to be a "godly girl."  And yet somehow, I still play the charade, knowing He knows the truth, and still somehow finding comfort in the fact that I don't go "all out raw" in my time alone with Him.  Maybe that's because I don't have it.  I don't have time alone with Him...almost ever. My tears fall silently down my cheeks as I type this. My life is filled with people...and barking dogs...and noise...and phone calls, and texts, and responsibilities, and schedules, and events, and homeschooling, and company dropping by, and laundry, and meals to make, and diets to fail...and STUFF. I can't even look at the computer screen as I type because I know it will slow everything down.  I look out the window as I listen to an airplane fly by...and a cat meow, and my bamboo wind chimes clacking in the breeze.  It's gray outside, which suits me fine.  I'm not really depressed, I don't think...just worn out.  I wish I could get past my quicksand.  I need a miracle...literally. I'm so stuck in my going, but I need and want REST.  Jesus said, "Come unto me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." (proper verse with reference listed later, after feverish typing subsided...):

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Right now, I can't figure out how to have time/energy/"realness" to even come to Him.  I *know* that's where rest resides... Even as I type this, my phone is clanging a new text from one of my sisters. sigh. I can't silence my phone...I am the hub/contact person for the family...for my mom's caregivers...for my oldest kids who are in another state on a mission trip...for my hubby who needs me to take care of some business paperwork today that I don't even know all the answers to...for my friend whose son died and struggles every day with more grief than I could imagine carrying. So many family and friends with so much loss!  Break-ups, divorces, deaths, and devastations. I have no right to cry...no right to feel "done."  No right to want to give up, but I do...I'm exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have swollen lymph nodes, and am drained.  Maybe I'm not writing this to the blogiverse...no one reads this blog anyway.  Maybe I'm really writing to you, God.  I know you're there.  I have faith in you, and I always have. I'm sad that I'm struggling, and I'm sorry...I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time having real time with you and in your word because it is what gives me life. I'm sorry that I play Farm Heroes instead of read Your Word...I'm sorry I listen to a sermon instead of You as I fall asleep. I'm sorry that I can only type this to "someone" instead of just pray to you during my "prayers."  Hold on...I better check that text, I guess...

I just don't know where to begin. You know about Mom...3 cancers in 3 years...what is her prognosis going to be? Only you know.  Our finances...ugh. going through all the paperwork and hard work of pinching pennies, saying NO to things, missing out, so many demands, so little time to figure out what's next.  Do I work full time? Who will teach the kids? How will this work?  What's happening with Mom? Are we going to have to move out and let them move in so they have a one level?  Thank you for providing the Stair lifts.  I know they are broken...will you please provide someone and the money to fix them and install them right?  Jesus, I need you but I can't get to you...can you please come get me? I am lost...I am overwhelmed, I am hurting, and I am feeling alone. I KNOW you are with me, but I still need you to come get me and fix me. There's no one to talk to...no one to hear my hurts...no one who will just listen and not "fix". Their solutions are all wrong. I need someone to hear my heart, care about it, not judge me, and not try to tell me to stop doing what I know I must do. I can't see how to take care of myself better. I keep hearing that...HOW??? I can't get enough sleep to feel rested; I can't clean my house enough to make progress; I can't stay on top of anything; and I can't stop eating crap!  It's all I want right now...it makes me feel better...then WORSE after that!

Anyway...there it is.  There I am...warts and all.  Thank you for letting me cry and for listening, Lord.  Thank you for being my "Someone" and helping me pray for real...I love you.  And please remember to come get me to help me come to you.  I'm a little lost, I think.